Before I Break Read online

  God, save me now, if I’m not eternally damned,

  Because my life is falling and breaking again.

  When the school day ended, I ran into Melissa on the way to my car. She was hanging out with some of her friends and I decided she and I needed to talk.

  As I walked over to the group, a girl glanced my way and they all lowered their whispers. Well, okay then. Melissa didn’t even look in my direction until I tapped on her shoulder. “Hey babe,” I said, and she turned around to face me. “You want a ride home?”

  “No thanks,” she said and turned back around to talk to her friends. At first, I was really confused, but then I remembered our argument about last night. “Can we talk?” I asked.

  Looking entirely annoyed, she agreed and we walked toward my car. I got in the driver’s seat and she got in the passenger seat. She looked as if she had been crying, too. I didn’t realize I had upset her that much.

  “Listen,” I started, “I didn’t mean to make you cry—”

  “I wasn’t crying because of you, asshole. I was crying because my best friend is moving away. But you wouldn’t remember that, would you?”

  That kind of stung a little and I didn’t really know what to say. “I—I didn’t mean—”

  “Yeah,” Melissa said angrily. “I know what you ‘didn’t mean’ to do, but you did. You insulted my best friend. Then you automatically insist that you’re the reason I’ve been crying most of the day. And even then, you still haven’t asked me how I feel about him leaving because you don’t care.”

  Her anger was a huge surprise to me, mostly because she never really had anything to be mad about. The whole last year we were together and she had never yelled at me like this before. I didn’t deserve to be yelled at for my beliefs and she was angering me just as much now.

  “I do care,” I insisted. “How can you sit here and tell me I don’t care? What gave off that vibe?”

  “The fact that you still haven’t asked me!” she screamed. “You haven’t asked me how I felt since you knew Christian was leaving.”

  “That’s because I don’t like him,” I said. “But fine, how do you feel about him leaving?”

  Melissa’s jaw looked like it practically hit the floor. “I don’t want you to ask me because I want you to! I want you to ask because you genuinely care about my feelings! Just because you don’t like Christian does not meant that I should be forgotten about when it comes to me being upset about something related to him.“ She reached for the passenger side door to open it up and I reached for her to keep her from leaving. She needed to understand.

  “Let go of me,” she demanded, yanking her arm away.

  “Wait—”

  “No,” she said. “Now you think you can man-handle me? We’re over, Cyril. Goodbye.” She stormed off back into the parking lot and left me to sit there alone, wallowing in my irritation. Melissa had actually broken up with me all because of her dumb gay friend. Feeling completely angry, I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward home. At least at home they understood how I felt. And later that night when Avery and I were going to hang out, we were going to have a blast.

  When I got home, I found Jake sitting on my front porch, and as I would expect from him, he had a joint in his hand. Why had he been smoking pot so much? I understood that life could be hard sometimes, but now he was just being careless.

  Walking up to him, I said, “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  Jake was wearing the sunglasses again, probably trying to hide his eyes. “I came to see you, man…are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Melissa?”

  While Jake was my best friend, I had to admit, there were some things he just couldn’t let go of. He was so nosey when it came to me and I really just didn’t get why. “Nothing is going on. Now are you going to come inside or sit outside blowing the smell around my yard? My parents would sure love to take a whiff of that when they pull in from work.”

  Jake seemed to notice the sarcasm, so he put out the joint and followed me inside. I threw my bag down on the couch in the living room as he plopped onto the loveseat, making himself comfortable by throwing his legs of the arms of the seat.

  “You’re lying…to me…” he said, sounding extremely delusional.

  “You need a bath,” I replied. Sometimes I even wondered why I was still friends with this guy, and I was especially wondering the last couple of days. How much more downhill was this guy going to go?

  There was always the debate of whether weed is healthy for humans or not. While science has proven it helps with a lot of things, my personal belief is that it should not be allowed to be used recreationally. To me, getting high is a way of altering your consciousness, and I do not believe that altering your brain for certain periods of times is a very good idea, which was why I quit in the first place.

  If only I could get Jake to believe that.

  “I need you to…tell me what’s going on…” Jake said slowly.

  I felt my arm spasm as if I were about to take a swing. “Hey Jake? Shut up.”

  He said nothing else as I went into the kitchen to grab a snack. Looking in the cabinets, I noticed that there wasn’t really much food. That would be dad, alright, eating everything we have in the house. You would think he’d get fat, but really he doesn’t--not even close. All that was left was a box of Cheez-Its, which I grabbed and brought out into the living room with me.

  When I got back, I found Jake flicking the light on and off as he said, “Ow! Cyril, make it stop!”

  “You’re the one doing it, moron,” I told him and gently grabbed his arm to carry him toward the couch with me. He sat down beside me and I went on. “Why are you doing this to yourself, Jake?”

  He didn’t respond, but instead reached into the box of Cheez-Its and pulled out a handful. His sunglasses were a little sideways, so I fixed them and waited patiently for his response. As expected, I didn’t get one.

  We sat there for a couple of minutes in silence, neither of us saying a word. Next thing I knew, Jake was out like a light and was snoring with no rhythmic beat. That kid really needed some nose plugs.

  I took the blanket off of the back of the couch and placed it over him, then headed upstairs into my room. Taking a nap really did sound like a good idea right now. I’d go out with Avery, and then come back to try and knock some sense into my best friend. Hopefully when the high was over I’d finally be able to get through to him.

  As I was getting ready to leave, I checked my Facebook to see that Melissa changed her relationship status to single. I, of course, followed suit and then posted a status about how great it felt to finally be single.

  Walking downstairs into the kitchen, I noticed that dad wasn’t home. I realized he was probably off with his clients somewhere talking about how to get the judge to let their son off. Mom was in the kitchen, though, cooking dinner.

  “I’ll be out for a bit,” I told her, grabbing my keys off the counter. “Save me some dinner?”

  “Sure, sweetie. Where are you going? And why is Jake sleeping on the couch?”

  “I made a new friend,” I told her. “His name is Avery Branson. He moved here from Summerville and I want to show him around town. And Jake is here because he was exhausted with school. We were hanging out and he just kind of fell asleep.”

  Mom seemed to contemplate this for a moment. “Well, alright. I met the Branson’s the other day, actually. They seem really nice, though I haven’t met their son. Maybe you can invite him to Youth Group tomorrow?”

  I doubted that Avery was the church-going type but I didn’t tell her that. “Sure,” I said. “Can I go now?”

  When I was finally able to leave, I went to the cars and put on the radio as I drove down the road, turning left onto Main Street. Avery’s house wasn’t too far from here, so it would save me a bit of gas, and when I pulled into his neighborhood, I suddenly felt a little nervous. But why would I be nervous? He was just anothe
r guy. Though I had a little bit of something deep inside of me that was telling me otherwise, I tried to ignore it.

  He lived in a nice condo just like most of the people I knew. It was painted a light blue and two cars were parked in the driveway, so I had to park on the side of the road. I got out of the car and walked up to the door, and that took me about five minutes because my nerves were really getting to me.

  What is wrong with me? I thought as I stepped up to the porch. Relax.

  A woman answered the door a moment after I knocked, smiling at me. “You must be Cyril,” the woman said, holding out her hand. “My name is Tina, Avery’s mom.”

  Whoa. With one quick look at her, I realized either she had Avery really young or she was doing really well for her age. Tina looked as if she couldn’t have been a day over thirty, with her dark brown hair curled and not a wrinkle on her face. I swear, she could have been his sister. Leading me into the living room, I saw that it was nicely decorated with pictures all over the wall. The house was practically spotless, and I would have paid money to someone if they could have found a speck of dust. I assumed that Avery was upstairs getting ready to go, so I took a seat on the couch at the far end of the room, facing away from the stairs.

  “Would you like something to drink?” Tina asked.

  “No thanks,” I replied. “How long do you think Avery will be?”

  She laughed. “Who knows? Could be two minutes, could be twenty. If I were you, I’d get comfortable.” Sitting down beside me, she said, “I really appreciate this.”

  “Appreciate what?” I asked. This wasn’t the usual talk I got from people’s mothers, even my girlfriend’s—well, ex girlfriend. I should have taken the warning then, but how was I supposed to know what was going to happen?

  “Being my son’s friend. He…doesn’t have many.” Tina looked a little sad, continuing with, “It’s not my place to tell you, and I’m sure when he gets comfortable enough, he’ll tell you the truth about why we moved here. Please, just be nice to him. He needs it.”

  “Are you lecturing him?” a voice asked from the stairs.

  Avery.

  He changed into something more comfortable looking—straight fit blue jeans with a blue Aeropostale shirt. His Sperry’s had a little green patch at the top of each shoe, matching the blue thing he had going on.

  “I’m not,” Tina said. “I was just telling him to be nice.”

  There was something else going on here that I apparently wasn’t catching on to. Avery looked kind of mad, but I could tell he was trying his best to hide it.

  “Well, okay then, why don’t you two get going,” Tina said. I’ll see you later, Avery. And it was nice to meet you, Cyril.”

  “You too,” I said, not really sure if I meant it. Something weird was going on here, and I was beginning to regret my decision.

  When we left, we headed to Town Centre, where I’d show him all of the stores and possibly get some ice cream if I had the money. Along the way, we talked about nothing in particular, just random little things here and there, up until we arrived at the Centre. As we got out of the car, I asked, “Do you like living in Mount Pleasant?”

  He shrugged as we headed toward the bookstore. “It’s better than Summerville, but I don’t really like the South. It’s too hot.” He opened the door for me and I stepped through and into the store, thinking about what he said. Avery had a tone in his voice that made me think that maybe the heat wasn’t the only thing he didn’t like about it here. Deciding not to worry about it, we walked around, looking for new things to read.

  The night was a blast as I expected. After we left Barnes and Noble, we headed over to the frozen yogurt place across the street. We talked about a lot of things—well, I talked a lot while Avery listened. It was weird, really, having someone else listen to me for once. I told him about all of the advanced classes I was taking, the football team that I wasn't on, and my family. I even mentioned our church, shockingly.

  “Would you like to come with me to Youth Group tomorrow?” I asked. “My mom offered, so it’s okay if you want to. We can pick you up.”

  Avery’s mood suddenly seemed to shift to something much darker. “I appreciate the offer, but no thanks,” he said with a hint of annoyance.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Great,” he said. “I just didn’t know you were…a Christian.” He looked as if he was going to vomit as he said the C word.

  “Is that a problem?” I asked, feeling defensive. I should have just dropped it then, but I had to antagonize him.

  “No. No, no,” he said, taking a bite of his cotton candy fro-yo. “I have no issue with that at all. I’m actually a Christian, too. I just don‘t necessarily believe everything that the Bible says.” There was something else he wanted to say, that much I could tell, but he definitely wasn’t the type of guy who had a lot of confrontation to bring to the table. So, stupid me decided to pry.

  “Come on. Tell me what’s wrong.” Even though I had never felt like this about a friend, I really did care about his opinion, especially if it involved something I may have been doing wrong.

  Avery sighed and put his fro-yo down. At that moment I could have stopped it from going any further, I knew that. But his opinion mattered—all the way up until he said, “I’m gay, Cyril.”

  My first reaction was to laugh—probably not a very good idea—but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I snorted, leaning back in my chair, trying hard to keep my chuckles under control. There was this part of me that told me he was kidding, although I should have known otherwise. He glared at me as I did, and then I saw the look in his eyes that said he was telling the truth, and he was pissed. “Oh…you’re serious.”

  I didn’t know what else to say. This guy, Avery Branson, who I thought was cool and nice and fun to hang out with, turned out to be…gay? There had to be some mistake. Bile seemed to rise in my throat, though I forced it down the best I could. This was sickening. He used me. There was no way he would have just brought me here to be friends. Lots of thoughts were racing through my head at the moment, but the one thing I was thinking was—

  “Did you think this was a date?” The anger was clear in my voice. I laughed again almost sarcastically and leaned back in my chair again. “So wait, let me get this straight. You’re gay. As in, you like dick?” As soon as I said it, I wanted to feel guilty, but it was almost like I couldn’t. So many emotions were raging inside of me at that moment, and guilt was not one of them. I waited for his response as I put my arms on the table, crossed them, and listened.

  Avery frowned. “Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really think it was a big deal since we’re friends now.”

  “Friends?” I asked, my voice getting louder as I spoke. The amount of tension filling the air was unbelievable. This went from being a great time to being hell in less than a couple seconds. “I asked if you wanted to hang out and you think that makes us friends? Maybe more than friends?”

  “No,” Avery replied quickly, seemingly jumping to his own defense. “I did not think that this was a date and I know you’re straight. That’s partially why I was afraid you tell you. This new town is a place for me to have a fresh start, and I want that for myself.”

  I stood up angrily, grabbing my things. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have brought the gay here too, Avery.” There was so much hatred I felt for him right now. He lied to me. He used to. And the worst part was, he had probably been staring at my ass the entire time, just like Christian did. “You are pathetic. You know, I am so angry I don’t even know what to say.”

  Avery’s face was hard as stone. I could tell he was angry too, though I couldn’t understand why. “I’m pathetic? Really?” He stood up and got in my face, so much closer than I intended for him to and I froze right on the spot. “Maybe I just wanted a friend. Maybe I wasn’t looking to get dick as you probably think. I may be gay, but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with every living male that walks this Ear
th.”

  “Excuse me,” a voice came from the counter. The woman smiled shyly. “Can you please take this somewhere else? You’re disturbing the customers.”

  Avery, who looked away from me, turned to face her. “Oh, I’m sorry, honey, is it because I’m gay? Well, sorry that my sex life offends you so much.” He turned back to me and shoved me lightly. “Don’t ever speak to me again, you understand me, Cyril?”

  I nearly spat in his face. “No problem there, faggot.”

  There. I said it. I actually used the F-word to a gay male’s face and it actually felt kind of good. Shoving him back a little, I turned to leave the shop, hoping he didn’t expect a ride home from me. When I got back to the car, I slammed the door and turned the ignition, feeling somewhat sick to my stomach. I had gone out with a gay guy, and once it got out, everyone else would think I was gay, too. That was not happening on my watch. As I pulled out of the lot, I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t tell a soul—not to protect Avery, but to protect myself from the rumors that would possibly come of this. I couldn’t have my life ruined all because of Avery. I wouldn’t let it.

  Slash, slash across my arms,

  The blood is rushing, forming scars.

  Forget the old, forget the pain,

  Tonight we’ll start a whole new reign.

  Those hateful words cut through my heart

  And leave me bleeding and so worn out.

  Love is nothing but a work of fiction

  Made for people who don’t like friction.

  But friction is all I’ll ever get

  And there will never be someone with whom I’ll truly connect.

  I want to give up but they all say it gets better

  But what can get better when you’re all alone forever?

  These adults don’t see what is caused because of me

  A life I didn’t choose but was given to by fate.

  Why can’t I choose to go the other way?